Flashback: Marketing Democrats

Way back in December 2003, Iowahawk wrote a great essay about which he recently said this:
Boy howdy, I likes me them essay contests. Trouble is, I think they're rigged. Like a couple of years ago, when the DNC had an essay contest on the theme of "Why I Am a Democrat." Even after emailing them my entry twenty or thirty times, and after several hundred follow-up phone calls, I still don't know which prize I won.

Well I laughed and was intrigued and so I thought I would check this essay out.
The title: "Why I am a Democrat" (which he of course isn't...and yet he seems to understand them so well).

Here are some excerpts: (be aware that some of what I didn't excerpt isn't very polite...and the comments are definitely not family friendly, but you can easily avoid reading them because there are so many trackback links between the article and the comments, anyway, on with the excerpts because this is now the longest parenthetical EVER!...or at least on a Friday :)

I sometimes hear the question, "Why are you a Democrat?" and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I'll look around and around and there's nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I'm a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.
...
I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't even get me started about that [darn] Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education...

Yes...the democrats are indeed a mass of confusion and contradictions. Their policies don't make sense and their positions are consistently inconsistent (assuming that's possible...cause if it is, they somehow managed it.)