Division of Assets

Joe Carter at Evangelical Outpost has some amusing Outtakes today, including this one concerning well-known denominations:

Holy War -- Southern Baptists launch pre-emptive strikes against Assemblies of God:

Citing a "gathering threat to our membership," the Southern Baptist Convention Sunday launched pre-emptive strikes on rival Assembly of God mega-churches in the South, leaving charred ruins where church signs and marquees once stood. Hours later, the SBC issued a statement justifying the unilateral action.

"Hostilities will escalate unless we get inspectors in there to see which of our members were stolen away by this flaky Pentecostal nonsense," says one SBC official.

...

Already in some cities, A/G insurgent forces have begun counter-attacking SBC churches, scrawling "healing’z 4 today," "pharisee loverz" and other slogans Baptists find outrageous.

I find those slogans outrageous too - outrageously funny. Using Zs instead of Ss? Using "4" for "For"? Are the "A/G forces" putting up signs or sending instant messages???

Also, the fact that the article uses the phrases "pre-emptive strike" and "gathering threat" is amazing - even more amazing: that "gathering threat" is supposed to be a direct quote and not a piece of editorial prose.

here's Joe's response:

After years of tension between the two groups, it was probably inevitable that hostilities would break out. I grew up in a family that straddled the dividing line (my father was Southern Baptist; mom was Assembly of God) so I can empathize with both sides. I think the only solution is for the minority AoG be allowed to have their own state. I suggest Mississippi since no one appears to be using it anyway.

"Two states, living peacefully, side by side..."

And...yes...the only time I ever hear anyone mention Mississippi is when the Pastor of my church says that the state is home to the "best seminary in the world, bar none."

~~~

Oh, and I also liked this last bit of Outtake material:

38 Ways to Win an Argument
Lessons in Sophistry with Arthur Schopenhauer
(Part 31 of 38)

31. If you know that you have no reply to the arguments that your opponent advances, you by a fine stroke of irony declare yourself to be an incompetent judge. Example: "What you say passes my poor powers of comprehension; it may well be all very true, but I can't understand it, and I refrain from any expression of opinion on it." In this way you insinuate to the audience, with whom you are in good repute, that what your opponent says is nonsense. This technique may be used only when you are quite sure that the audience thinks much better of you than your opponent.